• "Rambette" Compliments "Rambo'

    • Posted on Jun 26, 1985


    Sly Stallone has already signed to do “Rambo III,” they say.  The story isn’t written, but since the character Rambo means box office gold, we’re sure to see him standing up for America, shirtless and greasy, for at least the next decade.

    That message turns out to be pure macho America – America freed from doubts about “winning” another country’s civil war, America willing to bomb an enemy back to the stone sge in order to keep itself a winner.  It’s an America Hitler would have loved, or at least understood.

     As long as we’re making such right-wing fantasies, why not one for the ladies, too?  It would be called “Rambette,” and would feature Sally Field, who would to play our heroine if we promise to like her.

     Rambette would right America’s wrongs on the home front, meaning those lousy women’s libbers with their “women can do anything” attitude.  Lovely Rambette would be the perfect model of femininity, from her fetching never-mussed head down to her pretty little high-heeled feet.

    The plot would involve Rambette overcoming a conspiracy by a bunch of evil libbers to gain some political power in Water Falls, a small midwestern city famous for its sleepiness.  The libbers stop at nothing, as Rambette discovers to her horror. 

    One night a packed Water Falls council meeting, a rabid bunch of crazed libbers packs the council chambers to insist that the good old boys give them some say in city government.  “Why can’t you appoint at least one of us to some committee?” they whine, sounding much like cats fighting.  Then a radical shrew shocks the town to its core by holding up an old bra and lighting it. 

    Water Falls spends the next week in an uproar, with rumors of other bra-burnings, and even talk of panty hose immolation as the next step.

    Rambette, of course, was busy at home cleaning the bathroom when she heard of the trouble, and instantly (but in a feminine way) organized her friends to begin an anti-lib campaign.

    Wearing pink dresses, set off with tasteful lace bows and matching gloves and practical heels, Rambette and her ladies become the pride of Water Falls.  They’re cheered loud and long wherever they speak – especially by the men – and eventually manage to convince a few of the libbers to give up.

    The rest leave town, or lapse into silence where they can cause no more troubles for either the men or their happy ladies, led by the ever graceful, ever smiling Rambette.

    To show their appreciation, city fathers hold a dinner in honor of Rambette and her friends.  Of course, the town is a little short of funds, so Rambette has to cook it, but she’s quite willing, since that ‘s what she does best.

    “Rambette” ends with a long shot of the victory banquet, the happy men of Water Falls in the foreground, chortling and guffawing and toasting their good fortune.  Rambette is shown in the background joyously serving the men a scrumptious home-cooked meal.

    Naturally “Rambette II” would be in the works the instant the first box office returns show the country wants a return to old-fashioned values.  This sequel would show Rambette at home with her loving husband, none other than Rambo himself, who had to spend time in Iran while Rambette took care of the home front.  They’re shown as the All-American family, a sort of Ozzie and Harriet with muscles and heels.

    They have two handsome children, Rambino and Rambunctious, and a Doberman named Rampant, who runs all over the neighborhood.



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